Coping Your Way Through Life? It’s Time To Let This One Thing “Grow”
The last time I remember being a child was at the tender age of six. Since then, my path was scattered with forms of abuse, anger, manipulation, and codependency. I quickly learned protection, shame, guilt — and to my surprise now — productivity.
Productivity was my camouflaged way of coping — my “default”.
I learned to mask my emotions of fear, guilt, shame, and blame with external rewards such as honors societies, high paying jobs, marriage, and a Master’s Degree. I had accomplishments that some people dreamed of; yet every single accomplishment led to further feelings of emptiness.
I was HIGHLY productive and yet I was EMPTY.
As I became more aware of this fact, the feelings of emptiness drove more and more fear into every ounce of my being. I knew I had a purpose, but I literally felt like I couldn’t feel it. I had spent my entire life learning how to stuff my feelings, so far away, so I could cope with life. I replaced feeling with production.
I could check off a thousand goals and still feel like I had accomplished zero.
Reaching A Breaking Point
Eventually, the feeling of emptiness became too strong. I’ve come too far to allow this pattern to repeat itself incessantly. It was time for a transformation…
I realized that through my accomplishments, my codependent marriage, and my relationship with my mother, that I was actually allowing “little Laural” to make all of the choices. She had my voice and I had lost my control and my power.
However, I couldn’t just demand it back. I needed to nurture this little girl and help her grow. This took hard work including releasing judgment on myself, trusting my intuition, and understanding that I do have the right to feel.
Transformation starts with the child inside of you. Can you pinpoint the moment the child inside of you froze? Stopped developing? Started protecting you and causing you to be fearful?
Triggers can stem from abuse, tragic events, loss, or hurtful words. Subconsciously, we disconnect from this “inner child,” and he/she stays in that moment of time frivolously wanting to protect you from ever feeling that way again.
You Need To Grow Up In Order To “Show Up”
What about your past is preventing your child from growing up?
It’s time to thank them for their love and protection. But it’s also time to nurture their growth and to take your power back…one day and one choice at a time.